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“Loose Horse!”

February 28, 2012

The love of my life shows me his to-do list yesterday  morning….”Oh and we need hay and someone needs to do a milk run “…. a dreaded assignment in late February..no one has extra hay in February especially this year after all the flooding….and that milk, is a half hour away.

I write this post to set it all before my eyes…to walk through this journey…to show my mind He has always had me… but I can feel my mind breaking loose.

I have my own list of must-do’s and I can feel anxiety lick the back of my neck with heat….and I start to shut down.  I never tell anyone when I see it lurking and watching me.

Driving and internally yelling at myself to relax I fly down the road to my checkup.

Slowly the anxiety is choking me and I continue to yell at myself to “knock it off…shake it off girl…”

The internal dialogue  of abandonments hoof beats is deafening …so much to do….just bang a u-y and go home…too much to do…can’t take time to go to this check-up…a baby shower to plan, this Prayer~Fast~Worship follows right on it’s heels and then there is Family Dinner on Sunday…so.much.to.do… seven kids to homeschool…all on me…you will really have to prove yourself, you are just a girl and lots of people don’t like women leaders…they won’t listen to you…turn around you don’t have time for this…  The old familiar anxiety is liquifying my organs and my hands are freezing while the rest of me flames hot…. turn around, just turn around you don’t have any time for this running around and doctors appointments…just go home!

Then the small voice comes through..the sanity which has been locked away so this crazy self can run rampant like a loose horse in my head….”Girl you know He goes before you…remember He gave you a sound mind”

A bridle set on my wild mind…. still wild, just a slight change…enough to keep it harnessed.

I hear my best friend tell me with honest eyes…she told me a few weeks ago in communion, when I had related myself to the broken bread…I see her steady eyes tell me “He gave you a sound mind”

I see myself in Sunday’s communion tell a friend with neatly stored boxes of hurt…”You know you don’t need two crosses for your hurts…one cross was enough…when you hold onto it, you are telling Him your stuff is bigger then just one cross”

I pray outloud… and I barely recognize my own voice, it’s so hollow and my words seem disconnected from what I feel….so I  switch to just saying,

“Help…just help me”

and the anxiety reaches high up my neck ….and my phone goes ringing…and I can’t help one more person..I can’t answer the call…I just can’t do it.

please just help me…I know You go before me”

and I still feel my guts becoming a mushy mess…as my phone buzzes with texts ….. zzzt zzzt… I glance down and see someone else is trying to get ahold of me….and I can’t speak  out loud to anyone but Him or I may just lose it.

“help me…” I don’t yell it.  I don’t cry….I just say it so simple…still disconnected…just simply directed to Him, “Help”… and I feel no different, I still want to turn around but I am half way through my 45minute trip and I just keep going…I will not let it take me down…”help”

The phone won’t stop…people texting me… …zzzzt zzzt….calling me… heytelling me…

I have no words but “help”…so I take the iphone and I turn this on… and I just receive….till I get to my appointment…and I don’t feel better…but I don’t feel worse.

and I keep receiving it…

~

After my adjustments by the world’s best doctor… I feel  better.

I walked though it

Got to the other side.

I get in my car and remember all the missed calls…texts…heytells… I go through those people who couldn’t leave me alone while my mind unraveled and I could only speak to Him…I can handle what they need of me now…

“Hey hon…I corrected all the kids school work and they are all done…so you don’t have to worry about it”

“Hey sis…about the baby shower…I was near Party City and I thought I would run in and get the stuff we talked about…and Hey, do you want me to get milk, I will be out by that Amish farm?..okay well I will just do it”

“Hey …this is Chris…I found hay and you can get it today”

and a text from a college girl …”I am available all week…text me if you need a sitter”

I write this so you know… you are allowed to freak out… we all have spots we need to be filled… but don’t let it stop you.

You will never be perfect on this earth and He knows that… you just need to be willing to go forward

He has got you.

He hears every disjointed…disconnected…lifeless, “help”.

He has got you.

You walk in the wake of the King.

You are royalty and You are His greatest love.

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29 Comments leave one →
  1. February 28, 2012 12:19 pm

    You are an amazing writer! Thank you for allowing God to speak through you!

  2. emily m. permalink
    February 28, 2012 1:53 pm

    You. Are. Not. Alone. I can see it, His already provided for provision, in all those answered “help me” prayers…hay, school, party, milk…He has already provided, just walk into it. I am so proud of His strength on display in your weakness.

    • emily m. permalink
      February 28, 2012 1:57 pm

      When you bring your story to the light, you are giving permission to others to join you in seeking Him to bring order to the chaos that feels entirely unmanageable in the moment. Thank you, my friend, you are a gift:)

      • February 28, 2012 4:09 pm

        You are a gift too!
        I debated sharing it.. but in the end (And well after I got those photos shot) I realized other people need to see the process.
        They need to see the process of being willing… and of walking though your shortcomings.
        People need to see this.
        T

    • February 28, 2012 4:06 pm

      Thanks emily… and you know I love LOVE to host things..so it’s not that overwhelming me…I was born for stuff like this :)
      but it was all that mental jargon that just tears at ya.
      Thanks for encouraging me!
      It’s going to be great!
      T

  3. February 28, 2012 2:26 pm

    Love that pic of the little girl in the mirror and then your shadow. Reminds me of what we talked about yesterday. So talented. There is so much beauty for ashes isn’t there?

    • February 28, 2012 4:10 pm

      OMG.. I totally want to take the photos for your shelved blog post ole sissybutt.
      and then I want to promote it like crazy.
      T

  4. February 28, 2012 6:56 pm

    You just gave a living demonstration of 2 Corinthians 4:7-9. Thank you for your honest and beautifully written post. I will hold it in my heart.

    • February 28, 2012 7:54 pm

      Wow I had to re-look up that exact passage to remember all of it…and well, thank you.
      IT really resonated in me.
      Thank you.

  5. February 29, 2012 2:00 am

    you don’t need two crosses for your hurts…one cross was enough…

    priceless… thanks for sharing this truth
    He reminds us His grace is sufficient … always

    • February 29, 2012 10:25 am

      I know..I can tell you those words were not mine…they soothed my soul as I spoke them :)
      T

  6. February 29, 2012 2:08 am

    I found this over at http://heseesme.wordpress.com/2012/02/28/rewinding-joy/
    reminded me of your day … blessings dear friend :)

    The choosing of joy.

    “Worship the Lord with gladness; (put down your lists, your anxiety) come before Him with joyful songs (and make memories worthy to rewind).” Psalm 100:2

    • February 29, 2012 3:01 am

      oh this is just honey……..with some bread of life to fill us up. He is the cure to the hunger in our souls! T I am just loving reading that with each plea he was answering.

      • February 29, 2012 10:24 am

        isn’t that funny.
        I mean I am sure HE knew I could not answer that phone…but how reassuring in retrospect to see He had me at every single little “help”
        no tarry.
        T

    • February 29, 2012 10:24 am

      I popped over..thanks!
      T

      • March 2, 2012 5:56 pm

        I did too! It was really very good, and very God.

  7. February 29, 2012 1:23 pm

    HI There, wow, such a great post. I felt like that yesterday with the end of month, end of tax year stuff and until it was done, i could not relax. But as you say, God gave us a sound mind. If we spend time with Him first, He helps us get everything in order. Its just to remember, sigh! Again, great post, and thanks for linking up :)
    God bless
    Tracy

  8. Danelle permalink
    February 29, 2012 2:44 pm

    And I exhale now. I have been in this same state of mind and I love what you say about Him going before us. He does promise us that. Always. And the two crosses? I will be sharing that with my bible study on Monday. Don’t you love the moments when He gives us words that we know aren’t ours at all. . all His? Those are the best moments as a writer.
    This was beautiful.

    • February 29, 2012 3:16 pm

      Wow your words are so warm…especially on this rainy day.
      thank you so much.
      let me know what your bible study thinks of it.
      T

  9. Danelle permalink
    February 29, 2012 2:45 pm

    I just added a subscription. You certainly seem like a kindred spirit. Looking forward to reading your words. :)

  10. February 29, 2012 8:08 pm

    T,

    “I wrote this so you know you are allowed to freak out”.

    Ahhhh.

    So yesterday I had a major freak out. I’d tell you but it is so silly and random, but you know what? It felt good, like really good. Like maybe I should sit on my front porch and have a good cry more often.

  11. March 1, 2012 1:30 am

    Permission to freak out a bit, but still keep going with Him…. I need that now in my life! haha Thanks again T!

    • March 1, 2012 5:31 pm

      Oh Lex…the world needs more people like you.
      I would freak out all the time if I was in Uganda.
      T

  12. March 2, 2012 11:48 am

    T – You can’t know how much I needed to read these words today. God used you to speak to me.

    • March 2, 2012 11:54 am

      I see my sister chimed in too…and limmee say… I mean it… would you just burst already! :)
      T

  13. March 4, 2012 3:32 pm

    Oh my word, this is amazing! My favorite, “You will never be perfect on this earth and He knows that… you just need to be willing to go forward

    He has got you.

    He hears every disjointed…disconnected…lifeless, “help”.

    He has got you.

    You walk in the wake of the King.”

    Thank you for linking up with Faith filled Friday, I am so blessed by you!

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