Just to sit….
She came up to me in the produce aisle… telling me how she wrestles with what He wants from her….she knows she does…but…
I put the tubs of cashews in the cart and wipe the mist off my hands from the cilantro bunch. A pile of basil at home and plans of our favorite Pesto waiting at home.
Surely to stop me and confess this to me, I need to pay attention…my life a Divine Itinerary I walk into.
“I know I am supposed to come to PFW… but I really wrestle with going.”
“Wait what?”I can feel the sandy grit on my hands from the cilantro…as I am very aware of my flesh in this moment.
“But that is a side issue, ” she says whooshing her hands to the side as if whisking it away into the pile of prepackaged carrots, “What I really want to say is to encourage you in what you are doing there…at PFW. That is amazing. I stopped in for a second and it was amazing….so good. I need to come more often. I mean, He has been telling me to… but that is something I need to stop fighting Him on… but that is a different thing altogether.”
It is just the strangest feeling. To be encapsulated in this moment…and feeling as if your arms are too heavy to move. To stand there and think , this is your wrestle with God…to drive 5miles and sit? What do you say when someone says the thing they wrestle God over is whether to drive 5miles and sit with Him?… “so what stops you? Why wrestle with God over it?” I have to ask… she may have told me it isn’t what she came to say… but she encouraged me once and told me she wrestles with God on this issue two times. Her encouragement flanked on both ends with confession. I had to know as she has devoted so much of her life to working for causes. She would travel half a world to deliver a cup of rice. She is a good woman with a good heart…. and the truth pushes past her good words.
Is this why hard work was put upon us in a garden? Is it because we can’t sit with Him? We couldn’t manage just to walk with Him in the cool of the night. We can work for Him… but to sit with Him? To be vulnerable to being rejected. To come and to sit… would He be there for us? Surely for them… they get to hear from Him…but us? Isn’t that the lie we all eat with spoons? We can be good people who work for a God who very well may exist after we die…either way we will have lived a “good” life as “good” people…. is God our solid Plan B when we die? The whole Word is about a God who wants to sit with His people. All the other stuff happens because all He has ever wanted was us…. you and Him.
So stop trying to prove yourself…. yourself to who? Because He already died to save you…so there is nothing more you could do.
Does anyone think He exists anymore?
I can tell you from a thousand experiences…. if you show up…He will show up. That isn’t a bold statement…it is just the truth that so many run from.