Reasons For Motherhood

I had sat in front of the homestudy interview lady…she arranged her papers and I fiddled with a loose thread on the sofa. “You are a tough lady to clean for,” I blurt out jokingly.
“Am I?” she says with a twitch of the head that says she is trying to act ignorant that I most likely (and did) clean my house with a toothbrush. That I shined up my kids and sent them out the door with my husband to go get milkshakes. I needed to be alone with this woman and kids don’t get the enormity of the situation. I didn’t want to be interrupted.
“Soooo….you have four kids…why would you want more?”
” I can do more. If I was a mother in a situation where sending my kids into adoption was the only option…I would want someone like me…I know that sounds full of myself…but.. ” I trail off looking to see if maybe I have said too much to her. She smiles like a grandmother would and says ..”so what in your life has prepared you to take on small child and toddler adoption…they are going to have questions….and issues. Issues are a given.”
I sit up straight on the sofa and give a look out the sliding glass doors…biting my bottom lip and looking sour” Oh I know there are issues…I have some myself.” Oh for crying out loud did I say that??!! “What I mean is… the issues these girls will deal with, I am familiar, and although to many people they would sink them into the mud like they did the horse in The Neverending Story…did you see that movie? No? well okay. I am not beaten. I have more then I thought I would..err…then statisticlly I was to be given in life…I will help them to be strong.”
“What makes you strong?” She looks up from jotting Lord only knows what.
“My faith and my family… my self?….I am very strong. What someone meant to keep me weak I have decided that I could turn around and make it my strength… and I can give that or nurture that with these girls.” My back straightens and I shake my hair back off my shoulders.
She rifles through some papers from our first interview…”So do you maintain contact with your biological father?”
“No,” I say with all resolution and certainty.
“My sister and I were meant for better things… and I would never have anything to do with him…because I am raising children that will be strong. They are to valuable to mess with the likes of him.”
” Ok, well lets check the smoke detectors” she said as she stood up looking at her watch.

T