Ungrateful Child

I was called ungrateful so many times as a child. More times then I can count or fully remember.I wasn’t ungrateful but I did give off that impression.
I gave off the impression because I go through life lightly…flying just above the surface. Even as a child I had to consciously stop and make myself lower into a moment. I think at some point I learned; if I let myself into the moment….
lowered myself into the moment…very bad things would happen. Or rather what I learned is;
if I just hovered above the surface I could forsee the bad things coming and make them less painful on myself and anyone around.
It was not a matter of could the bad thing happen…just when would they happen.
I never knew when those moments would occur…so at some point when I was small I learned to hover …fly lightly just above the surface.Never fully letting myself feel what was happening. Always keeping a watchful eye out for danger. Good things and happiness where just the absence of danger…the absence of threat. Never letting myself into the moment I appeared ungrateful and I wasn’t.
I appeared pissy…and was actually quite thoughtful.
I was just trying in my own way to keep watch so everyone else could enjoy their time in their happiness….their fun. I was busy anticipating the next situation.
I wasn’t ungrateful at all… I was just lost right above the surface in plain view…trying to hold the space safe for everyone else.
It’s a pattern deeply ingrained in who I am.
I realize I live in a safer life now…. I need to figure out how to shed this skill….or pack it away for times when it is nessassary.

I am grateful for many things, my list is very long…here are ten…
1.)”Momma when I look at the fireworks it is like when God talks.”~Yen
2.)ever growing spaghetti squash dangling on vines twineing around fence posts.
3.)The funniest sister in the whole entire world.
4.)A soon to be sister in law who has gifts wrapped like presents.
5.)”Oh how he loves me…How he loves us all..Oh how he loves me…” over and over again.
6.)laying by the pool all afternoon.
7.)A new fridge.
8.)hearing new Words …locking them in books and notepads.
9.)Safe travels…nearly dying…but not.
10.)the gift of expressing love.