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Ungrateful Child

July 11, 2011

I was called ungrateful so many times as a child. More times then I can count or fully remember.I wasn’t ungrateful but I did give off that impression.
I gave off the impression because I go through life lightly…flying just above the surface. Even as a child I had to consciously stop and make myself lower into a moment. I think at some point I learned; if I let myself into the moment….
lowered myself into the moment…very bad things would happen. Or rather what I learned is;
if I just hovered above the surface I could forsee the bad things coming and make them less painful on myself and anyone around.
It was not a matter of could the bad thing happen…just when would they happen.
I never knew when those moments would occur…so at some point when I was small I learned to hover …fly lightly just above the surface.Never fully letting myself feel what was happening. Always keeping a watchful eye out for danger. Good things and happiness where just the absence of danger…the absence of threat. Never letting myself into the moment I appeared ungrateful and I wasn’t.
I appeared pissy…and was actually quite thoughtful.
I was just trying in my own way to keep watch so everyone else could enjoy their time in their happiness….their fun. I was busy anticipating the next situation.
I wasn’t ungrateful at all… I was just lost right above the surface in plain view…trying to hold the space safe for everyone else.
It’s a pattern deeply ingrained in who I am.
I realize I live in a safer life now…. I need to figure out how to shed this skill….or pack it away for times when it is nessassary.

I am grateful for many things, my list is very long…here are ten…
1.)”Momma when I look at the fireworks it is like when God talks.”~Yen
2.)ever growing spaghetti squash dangling on vines twineing around fence posts.
3.)The funniest sister in the whole entire world.
4.)A soon to be sister in law who has gifts wrapped like presents.
5.)”Oh how he loves me…How he loves us all..Oh how he loves me…” over and over again.
6.)laying by the pool all afternoon.
7.)A new fridge.
8.)hearing new Words …locking them in books and notepads.
9.)Safe travels…nearly dying…but not.
10.)the gift of expressing love.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. July 11, 2011 10:12 am

    Love this! I think I’m going to spend some time today writing my top 10 things I’m thankful for and then just concentrate on that. Maybe it’ll help take away those negative thoughts. 🙂

    Great post!

  2. July 11, 2011 12:40 pm

    That post made me think. I was the caboose of seven siblings, all infinitely more visibly emotional than I am. I grew up keeping it all together, living up to my name which means “sane, logical”. That idea of “trying to hold the space safe for everyone else” is so, so true for some of us. My oldest daughter is a little like that, too. She rarely bubbles over, never gushes on and on about how her day went. Sometimes her sparse replies and placid emotions take me aback, hurt my feelings. It’s good to be reminded that there is gratitude and deep, deep feeling even under a calm, unrippled surface.

    • July 11, 2011 1:19 pm

      Funny you were the end of seven kids….I am the oldest.
      I always thought being the oldest had something to do with it. Guess not.

  3. July 11, 2011 1:32 pm

    Love #6… That’s one of my most favorite things to do!
    Thank you for visiting my site…

  4. July 11, 2011 3:16 pm

    Thank you for stopping by my corner of the world. I loved number 1. Blessings on your day.

  5. July 11, 2011 4:20 pm

    Thanks for being so transparent. Your personal revelations are affecting the masses. Inspiring.

  6. July 11, 2011 11:24 pm

    Hi Tee, thanks for visiting me. I hope you do get bees next year. It’s more than worth it. If you can get the Russian Carnolian breed, they are especially gentle.

  7. July 12, 2011 8:29 am

    I – leetle ol me made the list!??!?!?! I’m gonna do this now…thanks for the Tuesday Blog inspiration.

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