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Dealing with Abandonment

October 4, 2011

Born  half a world away …did their birthmother know,when she smoothed her newborns slippery head, one  day they would all be uprooted?  Did she know that day it was all becoming too much?

As the milk flowed did she quiet the voice which said she couldn’t provide? Had she had to make a choice on which daughter to take with her each day she left the house?

She had tucked little Mer into her shirt and fed her while at work.

Yen left behind.

We just came through it again as a family… a ghost of some anniversary which resonates deep within the girls where they can’t explain.  Did Yen get hungry while Mer nursed …could she feel the panic in knowing the question of provision was rising? Did Yen velcro this time to the edges where her  tender heart beats and pulses reminding her rhythmically of the ebbs and flows of her impending abandonment?

I don’t know.

I wish I did.

I beg for the answers.

My good girls.

But just. like. that. We make it through the brush and  the briars and make it safely to the other side.

Together as a family

Light returns to my girls eyes

They look up at us…. and see we  are still here.

No matter the sadness.  No matter the distance.  No matter the confusion.  No matter the hot  tears and the “momma I don’t know why?“….  Here we all stand.

Safely on the other side.

Together.

I know when the next ghost comes through.  My eyes squint angry at it far out a few months in the horizon. My eyebrows furrowed.  Three years it has caught me off guard.

Not this year.

The date they don’t know… but deep inside both girls ; They know.  Every year they know.

The day she walked away forever.

Did she hope they were too young to remember?

Just too young to express their hurt and sadness.  Their confusion.  She left them with all of it.   I love their birthmother for so many reasons… but during the times where black hair gets sweaty and soaked in tears from confusion..

so much confusion

I am no friend  to her -and all momma to MY daughters.

forgive me….. during that week they are all MY daughters … forgive me…. she is not their mother that week.

I squint angry at the horizon knowing what looms out there….

but for now we walk together safely through the briars.

The path is normal.

I gain perspective from all of these grown over paths we take.  I walk ahead and clear a path. Trying to make their footing easier.  They think I won’t be there on the other side… they know abandonment in their lifetimes.

There is no question in me…. I will be there.  I am here. Always.

How often do we cry thinking we have been left?  Will be left.

Hold strong the path is being made.  Hold strong and get through…. there is always the other side.  You will not be abandoned.  You will be stronger then you even knew and you will have one more altar to look to and know you were never alone….

not for a second.

Check out more of our story and pictures here in this post or here.
Oh and here is more on our back story in this post.

19 Comments leave one →
  1. October 4, 2011 11:54 am

    How hard to deal with something you can’t really have a full grasp of…what a blessing they are safe…never to be left again…safe in the arms of love. Could I ask…How old were they when they become yours…how old are they now?
    So glad there is a clearing in the path.
    Blessings to you and your sweet girls…

    • October 4, 2011 12:09 pm

      They were relinquished at 18months and nearly 3. The adoption took around two years. I finally got cleared with the Embassy and came home when they were almost 3 and 5.
      They are wonderful and have attached above my expectations… I feel this is because they always had some resemblance of family being sisters. So even on confusing days they still went to bed and fought over the covers or giggled together as sisters. Which I think makes worlds of difference for them…AND when they came here we already had 4 kids so boundries were quickly learned…lol… I mean when you are sitting on time out for smacking your sister and along comes another kid for flicking his brother…well you learn quick that you aren’t being singled out… those are just the rules and results. lol.
      Good Questions.

  2. October 4, 2011 2:36 pm

    I love how you are using their story ……. we are all adopted sons and daughters. I dont know why I sometimes fall back into the old patterns. Thankful for a God that is not like my earthly father,human….but “I AM” and Abba.

    • October 4, 2011 2:48 pm

      Anna I know falling back into old problems or thoughts. Why ? Why do we look back and down do often instead of up and forward?

      Gooooood post T. Love the photos that correspond

    • October 4, 2011 8:51 pm

      I am glad it can be used to encourage.
      T

  3. October 4, 2011 4:23 pm

    Very thought provoking!

    • October 4, 2011 8:52 pm

      Oh you better believe it.
      I am a little thought-out after the past two weeks!
      Here is to some peace.
      T

  4. October 4, 2011 5:13 pm

    What an amazing story. I’m so grateful you shared this here — how many of us can relate, even if we are not adoptive mothers — to wondering if we will ever be abandoned by someone we love? And how beautiful the words, He will be there. Always.

    • October 4, 2011 8:54 pm

      Oh sure… it’s not a story about just adoption.
      How many times in life do we just feel unchosen….or confused with the feeling and emotions overwhelming us…happens to everyone.
      Important to know we need to hold strong and get through the briars in life….learning what we can to help each other.
      T

  5. October 4, 2011 7:17 pm

    I was taken home and loved after being abandoned as a newborn… I love life and am so glad God gave me breath and a family to love me. Now I have a daughter gone to the ends of the world to rescue three abandoned and one day will bring them home… Our Abba Father loves us; when we have been forgotten by man, He remembers us.

    • October 4, 2011 8:55 pm

      Oh I am so glad you chimed in here today. It is important for this story to be fast forwarded and validated even more…
      You are testimony to the validity that we are never alone…not for a second.
      Thank you so much for commenting.
      T

      • October 15, 2011 10:50 am

        (thought you might enjoy this)

        my favourite things/birthdays

        a birthday
        a curious thing

        to remember a day so far removed
        from today

        I wonder if my mother remembers
        my bursting forth to greet this world
        her walking away
        and me
        alone

        does it hurt her now
        did it hurt her then
        was her heart ever torn
        did it ever mend

        ‘he’ wouldn’t say my name

        I’ll keep you
        but not her
        he’d said

        …but God…

        on the wings of a dove
        He put His love in the hearts of two

        they were older
        childless
        they willingly gave their lives
        for three unwanted
        three castaways

        I once was lost, alone
        but now am found

        I know this story twice

        twice redeemed
        twice ransomed
        twice purchased for a price

        twice

        twice a Saviour’s love found me
        and never let me fall
        be crushed
        despaired
        or bruised

        an heir of my daddy
        an heir of my Abba Father

        brought in
        cherished

        this I remember on my birthday

        how a baby girl Evans
        was given a new name

        how Love owned her
        and she would never be the same

        birthdays
        my favourite things

      • October 15, 2011 11:44 am

        tears
        in
        my
        eyes.
        sheesh… so moving. you wrote that?
        what a gift you have.
        You are such an amazing soul.
        Thank you for sharing this here.
        T

  6. October 4, 2011 7:56 pm

    Can’t describe the emotion this stirs up as I can relate my own adopted daughter to this story. The questions with no answers….the haunting that needs redemption…..the searching….but knowing they will never find. May His grace be enough…through these times…. Blessings ~ jen

    • October 4, 2011 8:58 pm

      I know… it is tough sometimes to figure out what is going on… like with my girls they struggle with a confusion… but it’s a confused confusion… They don’t even know why they are confused and frustrated… I started keeping a calender and in the past three years there is a definite pattern to when they seem to struggle. By piecing the dates on pictures together, last year, I started to figure out what the struggles were about….I am thankful for that insight,
      T

  7. October 6, 2011 10:25 pm

    Very beautifully expressed! My heart cries for my own daughter as she struggles from time to time with the issue of abandonment. http://delanasworld.wordpress.com/2011/04/14/heart-slivers/

    • October 7, 2011 11:23 am

      it is a struggle … but thank you for stepping out of your ordinary life and changing someone else!!!
      WE can all inspire each other!
      Please visit again!!!
      T

  8. November 1, 2011 9:44 pm

    What a beautifully written post! As the mom of five adopted kids, I can relate to so much of what you wrote.

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