Dealing with Abandonment

Born  half a world away …did their birthmother know,when she smoothed her newborns slippery head, one  day they would all be uprooted?  Did she know that day it was all becoming too much?

As the milk flowed did she quiet the voice which said she couldn’t provide? Had she had to make a choice on which daughter to take with her each day she left the house?

She had tucked little Mer into her shirt and fed her while at work.

Yen left behind.

We just came through it again as a family… a ghost of some anniversary which resonates deep within the girls where they can’t explain.  Did Yen get hungry while Mer nursed …could she feel the panic in knowing the question of provision was rising? Did Yen velcro this time to the edges where her  tender heart beats and pulses reminding her rhythmically of the ebbs and flows of her impending abandonment?

I don’t know.

I wish I did.

I beg for the answers.

My good girls.

But just. like. that. We make it through the brush and  the briars and make it safely to the other side.

Together as a family

Light returns to my girls eyes

They look up at us…. and see we  are still here.

No matter the sadness.  No matter the distance.  No matter the confusion.  No matter the hot  tears and the “momma I don’t know why?“….  Here we all stand.

Safely on the other side.

Together.

I know when the next ghost comes through.  My eyes squint angry at it far out a few months in the horizon. My eyebrows furrowed.  Three years it has caught me off guard.

Not this year.

The date they don’t know… but deep inside both girls ; They know.  Every year they know.

The day she walked away forever.

Did she hope they were too young to remember?

Just too young to express their hurt and sadness.  Their confusion.  She left them with all of it.   I love their birthmother for so many reasons… but during the times where black hair gets sweaty and soaked in tears from confusion..

so much confusion

I am no friend  to her -and all momma to MY daughters.

forgive me….. during that week they are all MY daughters … forgive me…. she is not their mother that week.

I squint angry at the horizon knowing what looms out there….

but for now we walk together safely through the briars.

The path is normal.

I gain perspective from all of these grown over paths we take.  I walk ahead and clear a path. Trying to make their footing easier.  They think I won’t be there on the other side… they know abandonment in their lifetimes.

There is no question in me…. I will be there.  I am here. Always.

How often do we cry thinking we have been left?  Will be left.

Hold strong the path is being made.  Hold strong and get through…. there is always the other side.  You will not be abandoned.  You will be stronger then you even knew and you will have one more altar to look to and know you were never alone….

not for a second.

Check out more of our story and pictures here in this post or here.
Oh and here is more on our back story in this post.