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Getting “Real” in Abandonment.

February 3, 2012

All I noticed is her being especially “good”.  At first I took no notice to her heart quaking inside her chest.

I missed all the signs

But when I found her on the window seat with a weighted blanket a grandmothers quilt and a snuffy nose… I realized she wasn’t being good because she was “on a roll”

I realized my girl was going through the emotional steps of feeding her abandonment.

The being “good”, the smiling all the “momma can you help me” when she slipped in the mud … the using the “guest face” and not the I have been here three years face…can “I help you” were nearly lost on me as I packed up two of my oldest for a trip to Florida.

I knew enough that  I couldn’t send Yen… a week away with grandparents would flip too many of her switches.  She values family and she hates being shuffled around…she thrives on routine.

She is better then most stories I hear about adoption abandonment.. but it is still there.

It’s a precarious perch adoptive parents play… on one hand I don’t want to feed the hungry beast of abandonment and inspect every emotion which comes down the pike…On the other hand I want her to know her feelings are valuable and I am here to help guide her.  But when I find her all sniffly and tucked into heavy blankets I feel in my gut I should let her feel this

let it pass through her and not be affirmed

let her feel that her abandonment is not right…she will not be left…We are all waiting at the table.

let her feel it yet come to dinner with her family….so even if the abandonment issues are there she can see ,even stronger, her family is there waiting for her to pass the salt.

Today’s 5 Minute Friday Word is REAL…I think this counts.

For more on Abandonment:

Surpass it All
Abandonment in Adoption
I know Pilgrims or … How Adoption May Flower.
To the Woman who Carried Babies with me.
What the Shells are Saying

16 Comments leave one →
  1. February 3, 2012 9:26 am

    T…so thankful she has a momma to love her through the dark tunnel of abandonment…this is real…real Love…
    Have a blessed weekend…

    • February 3, 2012 2:17 pm

      Thanks truly…
      on a side note some blogger blogs I haven’t been able to comment on.
      Just wanted you to know so you don’t think I have been not visiting.

  2. February 3, 2012 9:35 am

    I felt blessed too being right next you on the page my friend. This is beautifully written, T. Indeed, we all waiting at the table. Praise God that He gives us a seat.

  3. February 3, 2012 10:06 am

    So good you understand what’s going on inside — the *real* issues. So often this is true in adoption, even without the culture shock and big geographic distance. And the inner uncertainties can manifest themselves outwardly in different ways. (I know.) But understanding this does help to deal with them, and realize the need for security and stability. Thank you for this beautiful and real share.

    • February 3, 2012 2:20 pm

      Thank you for stopping by.
      I think often when adoptive parents share things like this …people outside the adoption tryiad think…”well maybe she was just trying to be good”.. and you want to shy away from telling your story.. but the truth is they are wired differently then other kids.
      Thank you.

  4. February 3, 2012 12:49 pm

    I believe God has given you real wisdom in raising all your children. I know they are blessed to have you as their mama.

    • February 3, 2012 2:21 pm

      oh sheesh.. I needed to hear that. some days are so frustrating…it’s good to read some encouragement.

  5. February 3, 2012 1:12 pm

    yeah. I love her. She always breathes a sigh when we go over the bridge from dance “we are half way home!”

    Good job sis.

    • February 3, 2012 2:22 pm

      See even though she loves dance.. it still is right outside of her comfort zone.
      Good for her to go through it and always know she goes right back home.

  6. emily m. permalink
    February 3, 2012 4:20 pm

    Oh my, this girl, your girls, I love them, like really love them, I love to watch how well they have folded into your family and as a sister of an adopted brother, I get the undercurrent of abandonment, I struggled with it lot’s when we first got my brother,waiting out the time till he was officially ours. It is hard, and it pops up when I least expect it. Even now I feel it for your Yen, my stomach all knotty and my throat full of tightness, I am so thankful for the love of Jesus, the never stopping, never giving up love of Jesus, that can comfort your girl and whisper to her the truth that she is never really alone. He has given her a wonderful love-filled family and has called her into His forever heavenly family. Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

    • February 3, 2012 4:54 pm

      Thank you for being the friend who can tell them just as much that they are valuable and help them with tricky math problems and encourage them in their days.

  7. February 9, 2012 3:11 am

    Oh how I love reading some T. I forget her side of the adoption story. I am so focused on how it looked from my viewpoint. Still processing my grief and disillusionment that I forget, until she gets her feelings hurt and screams and cries like the dog just ate her cake.(feelings hurt?! tears?!) It happened on Sunday night and unhinged me. Then Monday to read more about PAD and Tuesday a blogger wrote about attachment and older children. ……… and this. Thank you T.

    • February 9, 2012 9:06 am

      I think there are so many joys to any parent and child relationship… but particularly in adoption triad it is sad we are expected to not tell the reality that some days are days with a lot of emotional work.
      We have to remember they are wired very differently then other kids.

      • February 10, 2012 11:54 am

        Yet I continue to just see her most of the time as Grace, the little one with Down Syndrome. There is so much she cant tell me, and the place she was raised was so so different than what you think of when you hear the word orphanage. She reminds me every now and again that she was still an orphan, and Down Syndrome or not….. there is a lot going on in that head and heart.

      • February 10, 2012 12:36 pm

        oh for sure…
        well..I could talk books on this subject, lol…iii yiii yiii.

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