The love of my life shows me his to-do list yesterday morning….”Oh and we need hay and someone needs to do a milk run “…. a dreaded assignment in late February..no one has extra hay in February especially this year after all the flooding….and that milk, is a half hour away.
I write this post to set it all before my eyes…to walk through this journey…to show my mind He has always had me… but I can feel my mind breaking loose.
I have my own list of must-do’s and I can feel anxiety lick the back of my neck with heat….and I start to shut down. I never tell anyone when I see it lurking and watching me.
Driving and internally yelling at myself to relax I fly down the road to my checkup.
Slowly the anxiety is choking me and I continue to yell at myself to “knock it off…shake it off girl…”
The internal dialogue of abandonments hoof beats is deafening …so much to do….just bang a u-y and go home…too much to do…can’t take time to go to this check-up…a baby shower to plan, this Prayer~Fast~Worship follows right on it’s heels and then there is Family Dinner on Sunday…so.much.to.do… seven kids to homeschool…all on me…you will really have to prove yourself, you are just a girl and lots of people don’t like women leaders…they won’t listen to you…turn around you don’t have time for this… The old familiar anxiety is liquifying my organs and my hands are freezing while the rest of me flames hot…. turn around, just turn around you don’t have any time for this running around and doctors appointments…just go home!
Then the small voice comes through..the sanity which has been locked away so this crazy self can run rampant like a loose horse in my head….”Girl you know He goes before you…remember He gave you a sound mind”
A bridle set on my wild mind…. still wild, just a slight change…enough to keep it harnessed.
I hear my best friend tell me with honest eyes…she told me a few weeks ago in communion, when I had related myself to the broken bread…I see her steady eyes tell me “He gave you a sound mind”
I see myself in Sunday’s communion tell a friend with neatly stored boxes of hurt…”You know you don’t need two crosses for your hurts…one cross was enough…when you hold onto it, you are telling Him your stuff is bigger then just one cross”
I pray outloud… and I barely recognize my own voice, it’s so hollow and my words seem disconnected from what I feel….so I switch to just saying,
“Help…just help me”
and the anxiety reaches high up my neck ….and my phone goes ringing…and I can’t help one more person..I can’t answer the call…I just can’t do it.
“please just help me…I know You go before me”
and I still feel my guts becoming a mushy mess…as my phone buzzes with texts ….. zzzt zzzt… I glance down and see someone else is trying to get ahold of me….and I can’t speak out loud to anyone but Him or I may just lose it.
“help me…” I don’t yell it. I don’t cry….I just say it so simple…still disconnected…just simply directed to Him, “Help”… and I feel no different, I still want to turn around but I am half way through my 45minute trip and I just keep going…I will not let it take me down…”help”
The phone won’t stop…people texting me… …zzzzt zzzt….calling me… heytelling me…
I have no words but “help”…so I take the iphone and I turn this on… and I just receive….till I get to my appointment…and I don’t feel better…but I don’t feel worse.
and I keep receiving it…
After my adjustments by the world’s best doctor… I feel better.
I walked though it
Got to the other side.
I get in my car and remember all the missed calls…texts…heytells… I go through those people who couldn’t leave me alone while my mind unraveled and I could only speak to Him…I can handle what they need of me now…
“Hey hon…I corrected all the kids school work and they are all done…so you don’t have to worry about it”
“Hey sis…about the baby shower…I was near Party City and I thought I would run in and get the stuff we talked about…and Hey, do you want me to get milk, I will be out by that Amish farm?..okay well I will just do it”
“Hey …this is Chris…I found hay and you can get it today”
and a text from a college girl …”I am available all week…text me if you need a sitter”
I write this so you know… you are allowed to freak out… we all have spots we need to be filled… but don’t let it stop you.
You will never be perfect on this earth and He knows that… you just need to be willing to go forward
He has got you.
He hears every disjointed…disconnected…lifeless, “help”.
He has got you.
You walk in the wake of the King.
You are royalty and You are His greatest love.