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Two Bags of Guilt

January 12, 2013




Is it the plight of all mothers to wake up to a bag or two of guilt every morning?   Does it ever get easier? This deciding the best route of educating our children?   To clarify I don’t feel some cosmic pressure to do “the right thing” … nor do I feel some societal pressure.  It is just the burn of wanting my children to love learning and to be curious…  but at the end of the year I must hand in work to show how they were adequately taught from here to there.  Then there is the nail biting affair of having them tested every other year… I always feel that is a microscope more on me, than on them.  I am sure teachers in brick and mortar schools feel the same way.  I just recently received my children’s  standardized test scores and to be honest… my kids always test well above what the average is and well into the “blue” whatever that means.  Does it seem rude to you that the highest level would be blue?  What about all the kids who must bring home “yellows”?  Or rather the teachers who know their kids received “yellow level”… sad that we rank the kids, like you do riders at a horse show.  I wouldn’t have anything to do with it, but it is one of those mandated things.  The type of things which insure that you aren’t just letting your kids run free in the woods building forts and learning about  what they find interesting.  Those colored rankings make sure your child is getting a rounded education about what a great guy Columbus was  and how many ever changing amount of planets there really are.  You remember all that from when you went to school don’t you… hasn’t it been handy?  Oh wait!  You have probably since found out exactly what kind of guy Columbus was and the planets…well, you are dating yourself if you say Pluto is a planet.

Last year I wanted to toss everyone in school…for like a hot minute.  My husband looked at me and squirreled up his eyebrows… and I knew he wasn’t taking me seriously. I am reminded that most interesting things I have learned were primarily from my great grandparents.  Most things I have pulled  have crept up from the recess’ of my mind from being in their home.  More scientific information was organized in my head than I had even imagined…all from my great grandparents.  Their son, my grandfather, also contributed to my scientific bank of info…  but they had more time.  Can I remember a ton of things learned from actual science classes?  Of course I remember dissecting things… but I actually can’t tell you what was in there… just that the mere mention of the day brings back “that smell”.  I know you know what I mean and right now you are scrunching up your nose at the thought of that crayfish and worm all pinned down… even if you thought it was interesting that smell never leaves your mind.

So back to the two bags of guilt… can I ever teach them enough?  Do all parents wake up the same way… at least the mothers?  Because either way your children are taught… and they are taught regardless if it is the stuff you sent them to learn or not…. we are still responsible.  They aren’t going to go back to their high school teacher and say “you really dropped the ball”.  It’s on our heads…whether taught at home or in brick buildings.  Guilt or not I never really feel overwhelmed….like I said I don’t feel some cosmic pressure…it’s all the homespun kind, made right here in my own head.

I am sure by the time I organize the mess in my head , I will have successfully purged every last thing of excess out of this home.  I suppose if I can’t  clear up my mind I will clear out everything around me.




5 Comments leave one →
  1. January 12, 2013 7:26 pm

    Let me tell you, the enemy can’t defeat you with anything but fear, guilt, mind games. I’m saying it cuz I know it, homeschooled our first three and doing my best with number four. But the system, doing its best to convince me she is best in public school, yet shocked and amazed that she has never had any sort of outside therapy and services. The more they set up road blocks the more determined I become, that I don’t need their help and will figure something out on my own. Thank-you-very- much. Say a prayer. We need grace. Haven’t even been able to get the division of blind services, the ARC, or any other institution set up to help. I’m praying on Monday I will make more phone calls and just maybe end up calling the right person. Considering doing more notecards and artwork as a fundraiser to at least get her a $2k smart brailler machine. God taught me I could use my artwork and talents to bring her home, maybe it will help provide the tools she needs to succeed. We can do this my friend!

    • January 13, 2013 7:47 am

      you are such a successful mother. You are driven and accomplish many things.
      the educations system is so tricky.. no matter where you are in it. So frustrating.
      I do feel, on this issue He has our back anywhere we turn… He knows our heart and is with us… even when I heap doubt on myself, all by myself, lol.

    • January 15, 2013 7:04 am

      I love my readers!…. I had a reader contact me and said once upon at time she worked with blind services… she wanted me to pass along this to you:

      Hope it helps.

  2. ro elliott permalink
    January 14, 2013 9:09 am

    Oh T…I have known this well…and even with my last one I can still come under the weight of it all…what I do know…is God is big…and He has shown me that all parenting leaves gaps…all schooling leaves gaps…but He has Grace for the Gaps…He comes as we launch out Children out…to be their teacher…counselor…comforter…and most of all their ABBA Daddy.

    School was not my strong suite growing up…I have/had learning difficulties…so I am not one of those mom’s who could give their kids an organic love of learning…but I what I could do is stay obedient to why I was called to homeschool…to give them Jesus…to teach them and give them roots…so when they did leave…and the winds blows…their roots will hold them firm. and I also made them give me an honest days work…works as unto the Lord. I have seen over these last 25 yrs…some very lazy kids being homeschooled. I have watched them go off to college and flounder.

    T…from what I hear of your heart here…you are a diligent momma…I know you will continue to give your kids the best you have…but remember…our very best is gappy at best…and that is why they have a Savior. Blessings as you journey on my friend.

    • January 14, 2013 9:13 am

      “…but remember…our very best is gappy at best…and that is why they have a Savior”

      This I hold in my heart. Wise words from you ,who I know has gone the distance. Because I don’t feel like I am failing them…not at all… however I always want to do my very best. IT hasn’t ever been about failure it has always been about just being a good steward…being optimum at what I can be…. so that phrase really knit itself in my heart as soon as I read it. I know you truly understand where I am coming from. Thank you. I feel like we just shared tea together.
      miss you.

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