sorry and stupid.
After a long day where I forget I am pregnant and berate myself for not being strong enough. I catch a glimpse of my oh so round self in the laundry room window as I drag a bucket of water to the garden…. “oh right, that is why this is exhausting”. This beautiful sun is melting me…and I figure it is time to go in…just sit for a few minutes I tell myself. I scoop a big bowl of fruit salad and pour a tall glass of herbal tea with ice. Off to sit…and not think…just be.
With closed eyes and empty bowls and cups I lean back…. maybe… I could …. just… rest here for a…. second. Startled alert by her sobs I pop up. Everyone knows I don’t do well with being startled…or surprised. A childhood of fight or flight has hardwired me to surge with adrenaline. There she stands crying next to my chair…with something all broken in her hand…she tells me she is “sorry and stupid.”
sorry and stupid.
A wave of people who shaped parts of my upbringing ,surging voices behind me….
the wave surges and collects momentum and I can feel it about to crush me. I have heard this wave so often before….
I am to tell her she is stupid… she is a knucklehead… she can’t do anything right and she will never EVER live up to my standards.
the giant tsunami gathers speed with “how dare she’s” and “don’t let her see you weaken to her level”… smash her verbally so she won’t forget,
“Make her aware of how clumsy and stupid she is… she smashed your favorite tea pot…she has no respect for you.”
~Because the bullying voices will always try and tell you they hate weakness… but the truth is… they hate power just as much… they have never truly been strong enough to do anything but to bully…to bathe others in fear… They hate the weakness in themselves, and the power in others to do the right thing..something they have never been able to fully accomplish without a selfish ulterior motive.~
Right before the weight of many voices crashes on me…consuming me…
I hear my daughter again say…”I am so stupid…”
The legacy I was given…isn’t the one I will allow to continue.
When her daughter comes to her with brokeness she will not hear this wave gather speed behind her…
Right here and right now she can only hear the voice of her mother…she can’t hear what I hear. May she never.
I will part this sea… it will not crash on her.
I grab her soapy hands , “you…are not stupid…..Nothing about this makes you stupid. You are my smart girl. I forgive you. Stop saying you are stupid… you are not…that is a lie…you are not stupid.”