a ramble on rest.

~

Why, to get to a place of rest,  do you have to work so hard sometimes?  I have lists piling up around me… grocery lists, costco lists, target lists, school lists, garden lists… all stuff to be done to get somewhere to use it and then what?  It is overwhelming to construct “rest”.  All I wanted to do was sit.  Sit with my new baby and …sit.  It is clearly the tallest of orders.  Is it any wonder I claim the first two weeks so stubbornly?  I knew what was ahead and the very second my toes crossed the threshold of my bedroom it was; lists.  I have gone strong and hard all summer… get ready for a baby, get the family ready for a baby, have a baby, recoup from a birth, appliances failing, guests coming…wonderful fantastic guests, Sunday Dinner, late night campfires, gardens to manage, a household to manage, the daily wear and tear of “this broke” and “I need new…”, the taxi-ing of kids here and there.. and it goes on and on and on.  Then tack on to it all…every 1-2.5 hours , day and night, I must stop everything and feed the cutest little lavender squeaky bundle of newborn sweetness.

And

I

love

it.

I signed up for it and I love it.

I wouldn’t trade my life… or even this summer for anything.

I love all these amazing blessings.  I love hearing  the guests tell amazing stories  from all over this earth, all from the comfort of my pajamas.  I love my kids need to learn things…new things…all  the  time.  I love lists being crossed off.  I love people wanting to hang out with us.

I shouldn’t have said it… I said it 2 weeks ago, “I just want this week to do nothing.”  (sigh)  You could almost hear the sound of wheels and cogs turning in the heads of everyone in this house…all so helpful ideas on how we could all “just do nothing”.  So now the week was busier than the one which came before it….isn’t that how it works?  And this week?  This week has been completely devoted to The Lists…and

I

am

tired.

Are we allowed to say that?  Am I, as a woman, allowed to say out loud that I. am. tired.  I have been rushing around for weeks making sure everyone has what they need so they can enjoy what is left of their summer and I am tired.  In a world that says women are supposed to be all things to all people and all  with a smile on their face… I am tired.  I am not “over it.”  I am not ungrateful.  I have not “had it”. I am just simply:  tired.

and

if you are tired.  I am not judging you.  I get it.  You are super grateful for everything you have.  Don’t let the enemy tell you anything else.  You still live in this world…and it…it can just make you tired.  The enemy has a way of making you feel ungrateful while you argue that you are so thankful.  The enemy will heap baskets of guilt on your shoulders for not smiling more for everything you have been given.  He is sneaky like that. The enemy will even try and whisper ,’see…grace isn’t here for you.”

But that is a lie.

You can be tired and thankful and full of gratitude.

It’s not wrong to crave rest.

so if you are tired… I get it.