silence wrapped around …
Silence wrapped in some more silence with a side of quiet sitting in a puddle of stillness.
My first time at school seemed to be a lot of this … on repeat. Going to school to become a spiritual director seemed more like getting the corner market on being still…. and then stiller still. Everyone seemed so good at it. God seemed “dusty” here. Multiple times in the quiet, when you aren’t supposed to have any thoughts, I would beg Him,” Are you here?”
Everyone knew how to do this…. but me.
Everyone knew the songs… but me.
Everyone wears really sensible shoes… but me.
Everyone was on their 2nd, 3rd or even 5th career… but me.
Everyone either was in Princeton Seminary or had a ministry degree… but me.
And I was okay with that… but I was , and still am months later, acutely aware of our differences.
It’s sort of like a game of constant catch up… which is probably just what my problem solving brain needs….
Because sometimes the silence is a lot.
Because its not just a moment here or there….
It is silence wrapped in hush with a side of quiet tied up with no thoughts.
and if you peek your eyes open… you would see my eyes peeking too.
Our instructor sat down next to me during lunch, “How is your stay going?”
I think I pled the fifth. I mean, silence is what they are all about… so it seemed appropriate.
I wanted more. I wanted to be taught how to help… to serve this ever growing Sunday Dinner community.
Pack me with some tools to take back.
I had a dump truck full of silence.
But yet in the chapel of my car on the long drive home… I felt filled.
And in all those silent spaces noise and life rushed in as I walked back through the door into our busy family.
In the morning following, I sit and worship… in the loud noise of how Him and I meet each day. Him and I know each other well here. I can here Him well through the noise.
“Where is this in Your Word? Where is this contemplative… this centering… this quiet space.? Where?!! They say this is the ancient way. .. so help me see…”
And with my eyes open, the letters before me blurred and the words with them…. space between each letter and word illuminated, a glowing aura orbiting … the margin brightened…. space between each page seemed to take on a life of it’s own.
“There. All that I am saying which is bigger than the confinement of your words and your letters. There. I have language that is beyond what your eyes can see and your ears can hear. Beyond what you can develop language for. Your letters alone limit what can be written. Each space around each letter is a pause before the next sound… I am in that. Even the seconds , days, years and books of the Bible have space between… which is contemplative. The entire Book is full of the space between~ the quiet space. The end of every psalm has a quiet moment where I respond … feel it. This depth and width and height is for the seerers. Even in what seems quiet I am still conveying so much. The words are so much easier to grasp, at first… but if you can contemplate the space between there is much to be learned… much to be meditated upon.”
He is amazing.