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Blinking Back Pregnant Tears.

January 16, 2012
On a crowded Sunday morning with everyone belting out the last chorus we stand in the aisle fanning our faces and blinking back tears…our conversation private in the midst of everyone because of all the singing…
I fan my face and tell her I am not going to melt into a mess of tears…

I tell her i know what it feels like when everyone else tucks their sin away from prying judging eyes,  but yours bulges more everyday for forty weeks or more.
In a world where everyone concentrates on who is better then who and in a world where everyone is ” just trying to be good”… You feel you have obviously failed.
But  I told her I knew… I knew how you grow up knowing you are loved by God… How you are someone great in the kingdom…that He has big plans for you…you feel a destiny bigger then you…and then
And then
It all seems to fall away in failure as the stick drys after three minutes.I fan my face and blink back tears… And I blink and I blink when i tell her..
How I felt like I had failed Him and I would hang my head.
She nods blinking tears

“But God wants me to tell you that who I was with, is not who I married…God didn’t restore that mess… He took me to a new place… And you need to know He can take you to a new place.”
And then I add…
“And don’t worry about you having to wear it for all to see… They have to hide their sin so no one can see, where it will boil and fester… But you …
You will birth the best God has to offer…because He has a mighty plan for you
He does have a destiny
You were right..
You have been made for great things.
You will birth the very best He has to offer.
And He will it entrust it to you…because He still loves you..
you haven’t failed Him…because it’s not about sin…
and you are example to that.
It is now,and always has been, about you having relationship with Him.”
I fan my face and blink back tears and choke back all the other things i want to say…”you have my number…call me anytime, I mean it.”
Because that is what life is when it isn’t about sin…. You birth relationships.

For more on life as a single parent…
Part of the Whole Story
Drummer Boy.

For more about why it’s not about your sin:
What Grace looks like… consider yourself warned.
Abandoning a hobby.

So many things to be thankful for but let me just go over a few….

1.)Having gone through everything I have gone through in life and being able to pull from it and help others because of it.
2.)Seeing the first robin of my year…and it’s January! But there he is just sitting outside the window watching me type.
3.)Building a community of tight friends on Sunday afternoons….men laughing and playing guitars, kids playing, women painting around warm teacups.
4.)I can get adjusted for my voice?! Who knew! There may be hope for me to sing like I once did…exciting!
5.)Strong truths being shared… perhaps I can share a few here this week?
6.)My friend running a marathon and being able to cheer for her when she visits!
7.)Another friend getting her own art show…art being made in my home…Sunday afternoons, I tell ya!
8.)Warm fires and flax seed bags are great when you are sore with a cold.
9.)A son who hangs bird feeders out so we have a constant community of birds to watch.
10.) a brother who has such faith in me….

31 Comments leave one →
  1. January 16, 2012 9:35 am

    T…this is just beautiful…this scripture in living, loving color…”the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 cor. 1:3-4

    • January 16, 2012 10:42 am

      such a good verse! love this! thanks for sharing that this morning!

    • January 16, 2012 11:46 am

      what a perfect description and verse and everything.
      Congratulations on your new family member… she is a cutie for sure!

  2. January 16, 2012 10:52 am

    I just love this(tears streaming down my face) and I love Ells comment… exactly my words and heart on this!!!!especially when she says, “this scripture in living, loving color…”
    exactly true.
    you are such a jewel, sparkling “T”
    much love your way and prayers for your friend and her wee one

    • January 16, 2012 11:47 am

      me too.. we can all be a mess together. lol.
      Thank you for your sweet words…you are the jewel.

  3. January 16, 2012 11:14 am

    i like this testimony sis. really good. MORE LORD!

    • January 16, 2012 11:49 am

      it’s crazy right… I just remember being in that situation…NEVER imaging at that moment, I would someday be here…lol.
      all for His glory for sure.

  4. January 16, 2012 12:03 pm

    What an incredibly tender and beautiful post! I’m so glad you’re there for your friend, in God’s perfect place and timing. Have a blessed week.

  5. January 16, 2012 1:00 pm

    This is beautiful! You have a gift for writing. God bless you!

  6. January 16, 2012 2:40 pm

    Beautiful story of true grace and restoration. And a God who loves.

  7. January 16, 2012 7:43 pm

    T, you always seem to have the best words to say at the perfect moment. Wow. You can tell that your heart is beating in sync with His. I love this post. LOVE it. Man, His grace is so much bigger and His love is so much deeper than we can comprehend. Thanks for painting a perfect picture of that with your words.

    • January 17, 2012 2:43 pm

      oh samantha.. you are wonderful… I think most of my words got lost in all the fanning and blinking, lol.

  8. January 16, 2012 8:52 pm

    T… what a beautiful story! What a gift you are to this child of God. A true blessing!

  9. January 16, 2012 9:53 pm

    Aww.. that is a sweet and really a great way to list the things one’s thankful for! I miss my brother who believes in me blindly 🙂

  10. January 17, 2012 2:03 pm

    What an example of God using you to shower His grace on another.

  11. January 17, 2012 7:36 pm

    God works through all things! He uses all situations to bring healing and restoration and life! He alone can judge a heart. And he alone can heal it. You are right when you say that others “hide” their sin, where hers will quite literally show. But then, her testimony will be visible, too! She will have a story to tell of God’s great love and forgiveness and restoration! I’m sure you are a great comfort and blessing to her as she faces this challenge before her. Blessings!

    • January 17, 2012 7:42 pm

      Oh my goodness… you are so right…. because of this” Her testimony is visible too!”… oh you are so right….what a great truth.
      Thank you Joan.

  12. January 17, 2012 9:16 pm

    Yeah, shaking my head and remembering my past, the one thats “remembered no more”. The beauty is that really, 25 years later its not an issue. Because of What He did, not me. I just continue to try to be perfect- and mess it all up. he takes those ashes and the cracked vessel that I am and he continues to turn it into something. Makes me think of the Gungor song that tears me up every.single.time I hear it…….”Beautiful things”.

    • January 18, 2012 8:21 am

      Oh I have friends of the band Gungor which turned me onto the band…that is a really great song… the whole album is great.
      The newest album is a little to ethereal for me… but I love the mix of styles on the other one.

  13. January 19, 2012 10:25 am

    ah lovely…particularly that closing line…you birth relationships…and at times that can be hard and messy but…lovely

  14. January 19, 2012 9:55 pm

    such incredible truth here, and such an inspiring story. `you birth relationships`… i love this friend. thank you.

  15. January 22, 2012 9:00 pm

    This is raw and beautiful! It is bursting with hope and redemption…such a balm for the broken. I will be featuring this tomorrow on my blog. I do hope you will return and link-up again!

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